Dear James and Joe
This morning, I left the house at 5am to go and spend a whole day in London without you.
I have been looking forward to it for weeks. Being a mum to two young boys is intense. Neither of you sleep very well. You both love attention. James, you are crazy; wild and funny and fiercely independent. I can’t keep up with either of you, especially now that Joe is desperately trying to be mobile. I felt like I needed a break. To be a person in my own right and do what I love, which is writing.
Before the train even pulled away from Liverpool Lime Street, I missed you. Like the little arseholes you can be, you were both fast asleep when I left. You never do that when I want to sleep. I never got a hug goodbye but I kissed you both and told you I love you.
I had only been on the train for ten minutes when your dad text me to say “James said ‘I love you, Daddy, but I want my mummy.’“ I felt my eyes prick hot with tears. I just wanted to come home and cuddle you both. I love you both so much that it actually hurts to be away from you for the whole day. Even though James is cranky and wilful at times and Joe cries when I leave the room and I get frustrated and exhausted and I just want a hot drink and to dick about on my phone for an hour or so, I can’t imagine life without you.
I melt when James says “I love you so much, Mummy” and kisses me on the nose. Or when Joe’s face breaks into a huge grin when he sees me and reaches his arms out to me. My happy place is watching James make Joe laugh harder than anyone else can. Seeing you both happy is all I want.
You are both my inspiration. I have wanted to write for as long as I can remember. I never knew what about and I never found the right outlet. But you came along and I found my muse and my voice. Thank you. I never knew motherhood could change my life so drastically. It is for the better. I want to work hard to give you a nice life. I want to be a good, kind person to show you the way. I want to give you the best of everything. I want you to be proud of me. You make me a better person.
I may shout at times (well, a lot). I may not always play with you when you want. I may not spend every second of every minute of every day with you but you are the loves of my life and when I look at you, I can’t believe I made two such beautiful boys.
I’m sure I will learn lots from the day. I’m sure I will meet lots of lovely people and have lots of fun. But every second of every minute, I will be thinking about you and boring the arse off everyone I speak to, telling them all about how weird and wonderful you both are. (All that weird, that’s all down to your Dad)
I can’t ever tell you how much I love you. Thank you both for being you, for being my beautiful babies. I couldn’t do anything without you.
Lots of Love